Coach Amina Z: It has happened to you. You said “yes”. So you got three “yeses”; your heart, mind and soul in total agreement. It was a new chance, a risk, an opportunity that you could not allow to slide by. “Overjoyed” cannot quite capture how you felt. The lift, the bounce, the elegance and energy in your stride. There was a certain glow about you. You smiled effortlessly and spoke with renewed confidence. Life’s energy shone brighter and brighter illuminating far and wide and casting its light beams as far as the boundaries all around you.
Coach Zaid: It has also happened to you. You said “yes” when deep inside, you know you should have said “no”. It wasn’t just the fact you were now stuck with something you totally regret, it is that feeling of going against the grain. A quiet, brooding, lonely ,dark, and ugly resentment permeates the atmosphere. Your mind and soul are not on speaking terms and your heart cannot seem to figure out which side to take, Slowly but assuredly, you feel life’s energy ebbing from within you in concentric circles like a ripple…on and on it goes knowing no boundaries until it is over and we see you cowering back into yourself, deflated and defeated.
Coach Amina Z: The pathway of life is strewn with multiple choices. Some are more complicated than others but for a majority of us, when it comes to making a choice it boils down to two simple words, “yes” or “no”. Simple words that are at the root of our decisions but then not so simple in events that unfold.
Coach Zaid: I have always wanted to see myself as someone who is willing to make my time, resources, talents and gifting available to others? Very soon I found myself like a city without walls. I was exposed financially, emotionally, mentally and socially. Everything seemed to be going in as fast as everything was going out.
Coach Amina Z: I remember that time and watching you I wondered why you were always tired and miserable. Then you discovered the principle of setting boundaries, first the fences and finally the gate. What I found most powerful was the firmness which came with each decision whether it was a yes or no. You said it and meant it. You had control over your life and I wanted that too.
Coach Zaid: Together we began to help each other build boundaries and immediately we saw the impact on our choices. Perhaps, the most interesting aspect is the lessons we learnt and which are the subject matter of today’s podcast.
Coach Amina Z: We called it The Ultimate Guide to Saying No, and Meaning It. There is a lot to learn here.
First: Value your own time and agency
I really don’t know where we got this notion that saying no is a selfish act? It is in many ways a form of self care that comes from understanding your primary responsibility is your time. Your time and your happiness should be paramount in your life. The well being of those in your inner circle and beyond flows from your own well being.
Coach Zaid: You just think about it for a moment. If you were to be of poor health and in and out of hospital on a constant basis the ones to feel the brunt of it would be family, close friends and business associates. You’re not being rude, you’re being accommodating to your primary responsibility: your own time. Your “Ill-being” has had a negative effect on those around you and drastically altered their lives.
Coach Amina Z: So while the wellbeing of those around is important, it doesn’t have to override your own. When a plane is going down, the instruction is always put your own oxygen mask on first, first, first before helping others. Is your personal plane rising or falling? You will be in a better position to help others more successfully if you’ve helped yourself first.
Coach Zaid: Second: “No” is a form of empowerment
Coach Amina Z: You know, it is rather interesting to find the following narrative as a common feature amongst people who have not learnt how to say “No”:
“I thought I was being helpful but I regret offering my assistance.” Or
“I really didn’t want to go but in saying yes, I thought I was exercising my authority or power to add value but instead I left feeling forced or overly controlled. I should have just said no.”
Coach Zaid: Coach Amina and I are strong advocates for being open to agreements and compromise. We have to be. The nature of our job means we get literally hundreds of invitations and speaking engagements. As tempting as some of the offers are, we will not subscribe to saying“yes” to every request. You don’t want to be a “yes” man or woman. Believe me from experience, it will leave you exhausted and unfulfilled.
Coach Amina Z: Another way to put it, the opposite of feeling empowered is to feel constrained. You recall we were talking earlier on about setting boundaries? People will usually treat you according to the boundaries you set. People will respect you and your time when they know you’re not a pushover. You will earn more respect when the perception is of a full-fledged person with a busy schedule that can’t always be set aside.
Coach Zaid: For a long time, I was often perplexed by the choices I made and the consequences of saying “yes” when in fact I should have said “no”. Doing my sober moments of reflection and as I reflected more and more, I realized my three major faculties were seldom in agreement. My heart would say yes but my mind would say no or the gut feeling was no but I ended up persuaded by my mind to say yes.
Coach Amina Z: It can be cray world out there. So it is important you listen to your heart and your gut as well as your mind so you can harmonize the three, Together, these will help guide you to reason and tell you what you can and cannot do.
Coach Zaid: One great derivative from all this is seeing your associates keyed into your actions. As you model this behavior you’re empowering the next generation as well. Say “no” to toxic people and environments. You deserve better, and when your actions establish what you will not tolerate, others will learn by example.
Coach Amina Z: Lastly: Be firm, be strong, be you!
I am sure some of you have heard of the program, The Weakest Link. It is a British television quiz show. The game begins with a team of nine contestants, who take turns answering general knowledge questions within a time limit to create chains of nine correct answers in a row. At the end of each round, the players then vote one contestant, “the weakest link”, out of the game. After two players are left, they play in a head-to-head penalty shootout format, with five questions asked to each contestant in turn, to determine the winner.
Coach Zaid: The insight here is, you are only as strong as your weakest link. When you begin to cultivate saying “no” it doesn’t feel natural at first, that’s ok! You may appear or sound unconvincing or appear weak with your “no” being a barely audible whisper that is quickly drowned out by the loud clearing of your throat.
Coach Amina Z: *whispers* Noooo (laugh)
Understand it as a new skill to master, because that’s exactly what it is. But the more you sticks to it the stronger your “ No muscles “ become.
If you would like people to take you seriously, you take yourself seriously. Demonstrate your time is valuable. You know that your autonomy is important and that you owe it to yourself to respect it. Communicating this to to others is the first step to freedom from undue obligations.
It may take time for others around you to adjust, but once they do you’ll be less stressed, and better able to focus on you.
Coach Zaid: When you focus on you, you will be better equipped to give to others and say yes when it really counts.
Coach Amina Z: An example: Billy and Sally
Billy and Sally are both high achievers. Billy is an entrepreneur of his own startup company and Sally is a financial executive.
Sally has difficulty saying no. Billy has difficulty taking no for an answer. Both of these attitudes are impeding their ability to express their true feelings and be productive.
Coach Zaid: Billy and Sally went to college together and have remained friends and business associates. Prior to her current position, Sally helped Billy with his budding company. She gave him financial advice and a small loan on more than one occasion.
Now in the job of her dreams with little time or energy to spare, Sally is approached again by Billy for a loan.
Coach Amina Z: It seems clear: Sally should say no this time. But she worries that this will jeopardize her relationship with Billy, or contribute to putting his company out of business.
But Sally knows, now, that her time is valuable and she has to support herself before supporting others.
By saying no, she may empower Billy to seek out other finance options. More importantly, she has empowered herself to speak up and be firm about her limits.
Coach Zaid: Billy has difficulty taking no for an answer, yes, but she gives him no choice but to accept it and move on.
In an ideal world, this will be a lesson for him that he won’t always get what he wants, when it wants it, from the person he wants it from. He has to be creative to get that “yes” from someone else.
Coach Amina Z: Okay to wrap this up, a little self reflection for you. Think back on a time when you should have said “no,” but didn’t. How would you approach the situation if it occurred again today?
Coach Zaid: Don’t worry Coach Amina Z hasn’t left you alone on this one
Coach Amina Z: No I haven’t, when you go over to the webpage for this episode on coachaminaz.com/podcast you will find a worksheet you can you use to write out your thoughts on this.
Coach Zaid: Remember it’s Season 1 Episode 7
Coach Amina Z: Yes… so..we say to you…
Both: Be Firm, Be Strong, Be You!
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